Has your inner self critic taken over your thoughts lately? Perhaps you have some negative self talk running on a loop and you may not even realize it. It’s normal to have some self critical chats with yourself during the day… but wouldn’t you rather practice self compassion? Doesn’t it sound like a better way to approach life, with a positive narrative, full of kindness and love, running through your mind?
Let’s Define Self Compassion
Self-compassion is extending the same kindness and regard to yourself as you would toward a dear friend.
Wikipedia (the new Webster’s Dictionary, didn’t you know?) has this to say about it: Self compassion is extending compassion to one’s self in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering. Kristin Neff has defined self-compassion as being composed of three main elements – self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.
I’m going to run us through a few exercises that will help to frame our thoughts more compassionately. Remember that shifting our thought patterns takes practice. Like exercise is needed for a strong body, these are exercises for our mind.
Let’s Play Fill in the Blank
- I’ve been told I have great ____________________.
- I’m exceptionally good at _____________________.
- The three things that I love best about myself are _________________, ___________________, __________________.
- This week I’m going to reward myself by _____________________.
- My ability to ________________ is something I’ve always been proud of.
I’m sure that you get the gist. You can take out pen and paper and jot down your answers or even just answer them in your head. The more time that you fill your mind with messages like those above, the less space there is for self-criticism.
Good for Me’s
Have you heard of the practice of having a gratitude journal? This is similar but it’s focus is less on what you’re grateful for and more about patting yourself on the back for the good activities, thoughts, behaviours that you’ve exhibited today. Doing this every night might take 3 minutes but it will have long lasting effects.
Here are some examples of Good for Me’s.
- Good for me for getting out for a walk today even though it was raining.
- Good for me for not getting so angry when the neighbour’s dog did his business in my garden.
- Good for me that I was able to share a smile and hello this morning with the folks I came across on my walk.
- Good for me for remembering to take my lunch to work and saving myself $15 by not eating out.
- Good for me for purposefully praising my teenager for doing something well even when he came into the house with not much more than a grunt and a closed bedroom door.
Another way to look at self compassion
If it isn’t becoming clear just what self compassion is yet, here’s another exercise that should make it pretty clear.
Think about a time when a close friend was suffering or experiencing failure. Now recall how you would have responded to them – what did you say? What tone did you use?
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Now recall a time when you were suffering or experiencing failure. How did you respond to yourself in that case? What tone did you use?
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Was there a difference? It’s pretty common for us to be harder on ourselves than we are on those we care about. It’s time to care about ourselves just as much.
Just for Me
What if a poem were just for me?
What if I were audience enough because I am,
Because this person here is alive, is flesh,
Is conscious, has feelings, counts?
What if this one person mattered not just for what
She can do in the world
But because she is part of the world
And has a soft and tender heart?
What if that heart mattered,
if kindness to this one mattered?
What if she were not distinct from all others,
But instead connected to others in her sense of being distinct, of being alone,
Of being uniquely isolated, the one piece removed from the picture—
All the while vulnerable under, deep under, the layers of sedimentary defense.
Oh let me hide
Let me be ultimately great,
Ultimately shy,
Remove me, then I don’t have to…
be…
But I am.
Through all the antics of distinctness from others, or not-really-there-ness, I remain
No matter what my disguise—
Genius, idiot, gloriousness, scum—
Underneath, it’s still just me, still here,
Still warm and breathing and human
With another chance simply to say hi, and recognize my tenderness
And be just a little bit kind to this one as well,
Because she counts, too.
~ANON
Self Esteem vs Self Compassion
Remember the good ol’ days when it was all about building self esteem? We’ve learned a lot since those days and it is clear that self compassion does way more good for a person. Dr. Kristen Neff is one of the leading psychologists on the topic of self compassion. It’s well worth the 18 minutes to watch her Ted Talk about the difference between self esteem and self compassion.
Here is a short summary:
| Self Esteem | Self Compassion |
| Self esteem is based on comparison with others | Self compassion unites people with the recognition of a common humanity, that we are all suffering and experience pain and failure. |
| It does not lead to many positive outcomes like improved performance or relationships | It is linked to many positive outcomes |
| It can lead to repelling people with self absorption, bullying, and lack of concern for others. | Self compassion leads to compassion for others. We learn to be gentle and kind to ourselves and, through that, are more likely to be gentle and kind to others. |
| Self esteem is resistant to change (hard to build and practice) | It can be developed and practiced over time |
Meeting each other right where we are
My gut says that it shouldn’t be difficult to practice self compassion but at the same time it’s important to recognize that some of us, in particularly difficult seasons, aren’t even able to take care of our basic needs, let alone practice something new. Let’s be sure to show up for ourselves with as much kindness and gentleness as possible while we lift ourselves and each other up out of the challenges that life tosses our way.
“This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need.”
— Kristin Neff
When I took the course in self compassion a few months ago, I walked out with these simple steps to remember.
- Stop what I’m doing
- Notice how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking
- Approach myself with kindness
- Reframe my inner dialogue
- Add a soothing touch (hand on heart or the self hug are my go to’s)
- Breathe
Let’s walk gently in this world, gently with ourselves while we curate the life that we want and deserve.
You might also enjoy:
The Basics of Self-Care, A Beautiful Journey to a Better Life