How to take care of your single mom friends during the holidays

I’ve been a single mom for 13 Christmas seasons now and it’s both incredibly wonderful and absolutely heartbreaking at the same time. All the dreams that I had when I was young and coupled about family holiday traditions went up in smoke just like the relationship that was broken. But it’s not all bad, it’s really just very different. And the holidays are hard. They just are and we need our friends and extended families to give us extra love and some small blessings at this time because underneath our smiles there is probably a heart that hurts in ways that are entirely indescribable.

All moms are worn out during the holidays but being a single mom adds to the challenges and we need your help. My hope is that sharing this will bless you and your friends.

You may ask, what’s so different for a single mom?

A few things immediately come to mind from my early days and some others from this season.

Our homes are smaller. Not always, but often we wind up in a smaller home that isn’t set up to host large groups
Our budgets are tighter. Sometimes we are working on such a small budget that adding a gift or two would take away from feeding our littles.
Work is not optional. Many of us will take a second job to pay for the extras like Christmas but that takes our time and energy away from our families too
Trees are heavy. Some of the decorating is challenging for those of us that can’t just carry a tree up a set of stairs.
Turkey dinners don’t make sense for 1 ½ people. It doesn’t always make sense for the singles to host even if they want to.
Where’s Santa? If there is only one adult, how do you keep the magic alive?
The season amplifies the loneliness. There is no one there to ask about gift ideas or share a laugh with. When the kids get older they might not want to join you for the parade or community event so you either go alone or don’t go at all.

Here are some practical ways that you can support your single moms during this season

If you’ve done any of these, my heart thanks you and if you haven’t had the opportunity, then I encourage you to find ways that work for you to support those that you love.

I have been incredibly blessed with caring friends and family so many of these are lessons that I learned in the receiving of such gifts.

1. Holidays are hard.

Your friend may be all smiles when you greet her so you wouldn’t necessarily notice but really, there’s a good chance that she’s just trying to keep it together so that she doesn’t completely fall apart. No matter what she does, she feels like she is letting her kids down (even though logically she knows that isn’t the case). She is likely so sad that even the smallest thing could bring her to tears. This is the time where you can just be with her. Listen and care. Show up. You can’t fix this, but you can show her that she’s really not entirely alone, even if it’s just for that few moments over coffee. That can mean so much for someone who is struggling.

2. Include them in the festivities.

It hurts to be excluded. One of the hardest parts of being a single mom is not feeling like they fit in. They are an outlier. They are different but they don’t want to be. Especially if their circle has been couples and families and now they are on their own. They still need to be invited to the parties and events. You could help her to find childcare, pick her up so that she can have a few cocktails. She doesn’t have a designated driver anymore. As a single, it’s harder to walk into events so bring her with you so that she doesn’t feel that sting.

3. Help her, be that extra set of hands.

I know that everyone is doing extra this season but many hands make light work. Here are a few areas that she could likely use some help:

Getting a tree and setting it up
Join them for a gingerbread making or cookie decorating or a holiday crafting night. The kids often need extra help and can get overwhelmed so your presence would be more help than you know
Putting big decorations and lights up
Bring her kids out shopping. This is a role that was filled by a few people over the years for my boy, most notably Charlene from the local dollar store. I would bring my son in and give her a budget and she would take him around the store, let him pick my gifts and they would wrap them up and then I’d just go in and pay. It was such a wonderful gift to me and to my son that we will never forget.
Watch her kids, take them for a movie night or something that lasts long enough so that she can get the gifts wrapped
Have a baking day where you make multiple types of sweets and share. It doesn’t make sense for a single mom with a little to do a ton of baking but she can have more variety this way without having to do it all herself.
Let her hide gifts at your house. If they’re in a smaller space, she may not have an appropriate place to hide gifts.
Be her Santa. Some families open gifts Christmas Eve after their church service so they need someone to go over to their house and put the gifts under her tree and take a bite out of the cookies that they left for Santa so that the kids have the same magic that all the other families experience.
Offer to babysit so that she can get out to a party or two.

4. Love her kids.

She will be showering her littles with so much love this season but it doesn’t replace being in a home full of people. Much of the heartbreak that mom will be feeling will be around what she feels that she isn’t able to give her kids because she’s on her own. This is where you can come alongside her and show her kids extra love too. Even adding a small gift to the pile would be so welcome in this season. There is a good chance that she won’t be able to buy many gifts so the extra treats under the tree will mean the world to her and to her little people.

5. The demands of being a single mom are exponential.

This one will be controversial for some but I’ll say it out loud. Having a spouse who travels is not the same as being a single mom. Unless you are also a single mom or have been, then you really don’t understand. A single parent is completely alone in this journey or worse, they have to deal with the problems that the other spouse brings in on top of having to do everything themselves. It’s awful and there is no emotional support besides from friends and extended family. The reason I’m adding this is because she may need to say no to some of the demands of the season and she will need you to just understand that she can’t do one more thing. Instead, see what you can do to practically help her. Maybe bring over a meal or bring her a big coffee at her work. Normal life is hard for single parents but the holidays are completely overwhelming because they feel the pressure to “fix” the holidays for their kids.

6. Give them permission to NOT do some of the holiday things.

If you know that their finances are different then maybe letting them off the hook for buying gifts for the extended family would be both appropriate and expected this season. Let them know early that you will be inviting them for dinner on Christmas Eve so that they can take this off their list. If they can lean on others for some of the festivities, then it will take a ton of pressure off.

7. Encourage them to create new traditions.

Remind your friend that they can build new traditions with their kids. Some that could be 100% better than what they would have done in a 2-parent family. This will help to reduce the sting of losing their previous traditions and give the kids something positive to look forward to and participate in. We found that taking in the community events helped to fill in the spaces left by our quiet home. The parades, light ups, community parties, skating with Santa, etc… have become a big part of the event for us. Getting out with others reduces the loneliness and brings the joy back into the holidays.

8. Know that your friends are tired of being “strong”.

You don’t need to remind them that they’re strong. It sounds so kind but the truth is they are so tired of being strong and would likely prefer to not have to be. Be proud of your friends strength but help to keep her strong and to take away some of the need for strength by being there for her.

9. Love your friend hard and let them know that they are loved.

Whatever your love language, this is the time to show it. Your friend is important to you, they are worthy of your time and your love and they are not alone. This is the time to let them know that. We remember who shows up for us. And we love them hard right back. It matters.

I have been blessed by so many amazing people over these 13 holiday seasons. I remember all of the kindnesses. All the lasagne, all the tourtiere, all the turkey dinners. All the gifts. All the good company. All the love.

Help your friends to curate the holiday season of their dreams and celebrate along with them.