Divorce, especially if kids are involved, is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. It may be cliche to say but you can’t pour from an empty cup, you have to take care of yourself. At times you will feel sad, overwhelmed, angry, stressed, all mixed with a little hope and joy as life keeps happening while you are going through this hard time. Keep reading to learn how to stay healthy during and after divorce.
How long does it take to heal?
It also doesn’t happen quickly. I was in court almost every month for over two years before things finally started to settle. I had appointments every day on top of going to work and taking care of my child. That’s a long time to have to stay on your toes and take care of your children during such an unsettled period.
The good news is that there are ways that you can take care of yourself, you can do one or all of these and they will compound to start moving you from dark to light, from hurt to joy, from unsettled to relaxed.
Let’s start taking steps to being a more joyful and stress-free woman.
Step #1 – Dream about your future.
You’ve been so busy dealing with an unhappy relationship, you probably haven’t been able to see beyond the immediate pain. By dreaming of your future you can start to imagine a happier time. A life that you can curate to be just as you dream it will be.
Only once you start dreaming will you be able to start taking steps towards those dreams. Even small steps will help you to feel more in control.
Create a vision board. Make it beautiful and wholly you. Or start a journal. Or just take time to visualize your life in your mind.
Here is a journal that I love. It’s comprehensive and positive and beautiful.
Step #2 – Accept help.
There are so many great resources out there. They will be different in your city than they were in mine but here are a few places you can, and should reach out to. Each situation is unique so this is by no means an exhaustive list but hopefully provides some useful options that you can consider. By all means, everywhere you go, you should ask them what other resources you should be looking at in your community.
- Women’s Resource Center. These organizations offer a wide variety of services, including legal support, advocacy, safety planning, library, events and sometimes groups that you can join with others in your situation
- Family Center. Family centers are amazing for providing affordable counselling services for you and the children.
- Courthouse. The courthouse will have staff that can help direct you to the right forms and with many other questions you will have.
- The police, Victim Services and Victim Crime Assistance programs are there to help if you’ve been harmed by your ex-partner. It’s important to allow the police to help if you need this level of support.
- Schools. School Administrators are experienced in these areas. There was a time that my ex actually took my child and held him hostage multiple times. I pray that your situation isn’t quite as extreme, but if it is, you will want your school to be aware of any no contact orders that are in effect and make a plan in case they do show up on school grounds.
- Food Banks. Never go hungry or let your kids go hungry. Food banks exist to ensure that you don’t. Some of them offer incredible services too, like energy saving programs, treats and toys for the kids, Christmas hampers and gifts.
- Housing Supports. Subsidized housing is available for lower income families. It can take quite a long time before your finances are settled through the courts.
Step #3 – Get outside and move your body.
Taking a walk or bike ride is free. Fill your lungs with fresh air. Feel the sun on your skin. Watch a sunset. Exercise builds energy. You may not feel like it, but you will be happier and healthier when you are active.
If all you can do is a 10 minute walk around the block, then do that. If you can do more, then do more. This isn’t a time for guilt. You do what you can and celebrate the smallest of wins.
If you can take the kids with you, they’ll inject laughter and joy. Jump in the puddles with them. Climb the snowbanks with them. Race them. Swing on the swings with them. You will all be happier for it.
Play in your backyard if you have one. You don’t even have to get dressed to impress if you’re staying in your own backyard. Bring out some freezies. Hop on one leg in a circle. Whatever floats your boat. Do that.
Step #4 – Eat the cake…. And the salad!
This is likely not a good time to go on a big weight loss journey as you have some bigger fish to fry but it’s important that you fuel yourself well so that you and the kids stay healthy.
Things are hard, eat some potato chips if that’s what gets you through the night. But make sure that your meals are as healthy as you can afford them to be. And if you can’t afford healthy food, then visit your local food bank.
Manage your expectations. If you are working full time, dealing with the stress and pain of losing your relationship, and raising your kids, you likely won’t have time to be Martha Stewart. Carrot and Celery sticks on the side of a grilled cheese still fills a belly and offers some nutrients. Cut yourself some slack, you will need it.
Step #5 – Do the things you love.
Now is the time. Your time is your own to decide how you want to spend it. Spend it doing the things that you love, whatever they are. If you love going to the movies, do that. If you love spending time with your friends, do that. If you love crocheting, do that.
Take the long bubble bath. Surround yourself with pleasing things. My girlfriends gave me this bubble bath a few years ago and it’s my new favourite. It smells amazing and will help you to sleep.
Step #6 – Mindfulness, Yoga, Stress-Management
If you don’t already have a mindfulness practice, this is a great time to start. You can do it at home. There are great Youtube videos and other resources to guide you in meditation or yoga or any other practice that you would like to practice to help manage your stress.
Check out this free Mindshift App from Anxiety Canada.
Local recreation centers often have classes that you can take. In our town, they offer free yoga classes in the park every week during the summer. It’s an incredible gift. Keep your eyes out for opportunities like these and bring a friend. I bend like Sheldon Cooper on The Big Bang Theory but most classes embrace all body shapes and sizes and abilities.
Try to find a quiet corner in your home where you can even sit with a candle and just breathe. Breathe and count. It can be hard to silence your mind right now but it will do you so much good if you can, even for a few minutes each day.
It could be that some days you need a soundproof room to scream in. Do it. If you’re able to be still long enough to listen to your body and mind, it will tell you what you need. Honour that.
Conclusion:
Remember, this is just the start of an amazing future and you have so much to look forward to. When things look the most grim, lean on one or more of these suggestions. Take it easy on yourself. Maybe don’t take on huge projects right now because YOU are the best thing you can focus on today.
Feel the joy when you can. Move your body. Have your dreams and start moving towards them. Get help wherever you can, don’t struggle more than you have to.
Do some things that you love to do… remember, you are curating YOUR best life!
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